Our Unexpected Journey Continues...

As I sit here typing, I’m feeling the strong kicks and punches of our little one inside my womb.  I’m 34 weeks along with my second pregnancy, and I can honestly say that I didn’t expect to ever to say those words, or to feel these unique movements again.  This little one is a complete miracle, and I am so blessed to be able to carry such a special little life inside me.  For those of you who may have followed my blog over the last several years, you may recall hearing about some of our infertility story.  For those of you who are new to our story, here is a snapshot of our unexpected journey over the last several years.   

 

We had our first child, Levi, in 2013 after 2 years of trying.  He was our first little miracle, and we were so excited to become parents to our beautiful little boy.  We knew we wanted to provide a sibling for Levi, and started trying for baby #2 early in 2014, knowing it might take a little while.  We were not prepared for the roller coaster of emotions to follow, or the journey that God had planned for us. 

After trying for a full year without success, we started seeing our fertility specialists.  We started with several rounds of a basic fertility medication, combined with regular ultrasounds to determine follicle growth, etc.  This proved unsuccessful, and we felt we needed a break from the onslaught of doctor’s appointments and tests.  For the end of 2015, and the beginning of 2016, I began to pursue more natural alternatives for fertility.  I sought out an acupuncturist that specialized in fertility, started going to regular chiropractic treatments, and I drastically changed my diet.  I followed a diet that had a low Glycemic Index, with high fiber, high protein and low sugar foods.  The diet was not that difficult to follow (we still enjoy eating that way most of the time), and I noticed positive changes in my cycles and overall health.  I was encouraged, and kept up with this for several months.  We also seriously looked into adoption during this time, including domestic, international and private.  This was something we always felt was an option, but never felt God strongly leading us to pursue that path.    

Despite the healthy changes I was pursuing, the lack of a positive pregnancy test slowly began to wear on me emotionally and physically, and I found myself struggling.  I had trouble remembering important details at work, I was very impatient with my family, and I had trouble recalling simple words in a conversation.  I spiralled into depression.  My family doctor recommended a leave from work to focus on mental and physical healing, so I stepped away from my job temporarily from the end of June until the beginning of September 2016.  This time proved invaluable for my mental health, and I began to feel more like myself again. 

We began to pray earnestly about the next step in our fertility journey, and felt led to pursue more intensive treatments.  We desperately wanted a second child, and felt that God also desired us to have a sibling for Levi.  We started seeing specialists at the Aurora clinic in Saskatoon, who recommended Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).  We understood that after 3 or 4 rounds of IUI, that the next step would likely be IVF (a much more expensive procedure), but we were so incredibly sure that our IUI procedures were bound to be successful.  After all, the only diagnosis we had was ‘unexplained infertility’, and every test that was performed on Ryan and I came back normal.  There was no reason IUI shouldn’t work. 

We went for our first round of IUI in January of 2017.  The results came back negative.  Disappointed but not discouraged, we went for our second round in February.  Again, the results were negative.  This hit us a bit harder, so we took a break for March, and prepared ourselves mentally and financially for our third round in April. 

Negative. 

We had prayed SO HARD for a positive result, and did not understand why God had said ‘no’ to our desperate pleas.  We were drained emotionally and financially, so we decided not to pursue a fourth round of IUI or any further treatments.  We just felt done. 

For the rest of 2017, we asked God what He wanted us to focus on.  Obviously, a second child was not in His plans for us at that time, so we found ourselves focusing on other things, and just enjoying our family of three.  We decided to make some huge changes in our lives, including moving to a different town, attending a different church, and me stepping away from my job to allow us the ability to homeschool Levi.  We put the wheels into motion, and by the middle of 2018, we had moved into a different home in a different community, I had quit my job, and I was preparing to start homeschooling Levi in Kindergarten that fall.

It was an exciting year, with lots of big changes and a fresh outlook on life.  We felt that we had some new goals to focus on, and found ourselves becoming content with where God had placed us.  We still desired a second child, but we stepped away completely from anything fertility related.  We had downsized our home when we moved to our new community, so we also found ourselves willingly parting with our old baby things.  We had held onto those things long enough, and it was time to move on.  We didn’t feel bitter or sad… in fact, it was just the opposite.  We felt refreshed at this new mindset, and were encouraged to pursue new roles and opportunities.  We were amazed at how many things had gotten set on the backburner when all our time, energy and money was getting poured into fertility treatments.    

I started a new venture as a yoga instructor, I enjoyed my role as a homeschooling mom, and I found other new interests to pursue.  It was a breath of fresh air and by early 2019, Ryan and I had both found ourselves content and happy with our family situation and life changes.  We gave our dreams of a second child over completely to God, accepting fully that we would have an only child, and feeling ok about it.    

I feel like it is a bit cliché to assume that is what God was waiting for, as only He knows the timing that is perfect for our lives, but I do feel like He must have laughed a little as he watched us get rid of all our baby things, and set up our home in anticipation of raising an only child.  Turns out, He had other plans for our family!  In late August 2019, we found out that we were going to be parents to a second little miracle!  It was with equal shock and excitement that we processed this news, and immediately our hearts and minds wrapped around the thought of this huge, unexpected change!  We were thrilled, as were our family and friends!

My due date in April is coming up quickly, and we are beyond excited to meet this amazing little person that God has designed for our family! 

I know there are so many couples out there who are still praying for a child, and I don’t know why God chose us to experience a second pregnancy.  I am so humbled by this fact, and we will not take this new round of parenthood for granted.  We are so excited to see Levi grow in his new role as a big brother, and we pray for wisdom as parents as we welcome this little one into our family, and as we raise him or her to have a personal relationship with Christ. 

Thank you to everyone who has been a support to us already through this pregnancy, and to those who will be there for us when this little one arrives.  We love you!

2017, we had such high hopes for you...

I’m not sure what to think about this past year.  

In many ways, it was a year of growth and change, which is never a bad thing.  At the same time, it was a year of disappointments and unanswered prayers. 

Ryan and I had such high hopes for 2017. 

About this time last year, we were beginning to get excited about our upcoming fertility treatments with our new specialist.  We had done our research, met with our new doctor and had decided on pursuing IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).  We had prayed about this decision for a long time, and had felt a clear direction and peace about it.

In mid-January, we did the tests, blood work, ultrasounds and medications in preparation for our IUI on January 20.  I also had to learn how to give myself an injection prior to the appointment, which was quite nerve-wracking and a little intimidating.  

The morning of our procedure came, and we headed in for our early morning appointment, nervous and excited.  Everything went very well and we left feeling hopeful about the result.  

Then came the two week wait.  

For anyone who has dealt with anything fertility related, the two week wait is horrible.  It defies time and space, as it doesn’t just last two weeks… it seems to last two months.  You analyze every sign or symptom, and anxiety builds as you wonder if what you’re feeling is the start of a pregnancy or if the procedure wasn’t successful.  It short, it sucks.  

We knew we had so many people praying for us, though, which helped immensely.  The support of family and friends was tangible, and we were so grateful for this outpouring of love.   

Exactly two weeks after our procedure, I went to the clinic to get my blood test done.

I was told the lab would analyze it as soon as they could, and I would get a call later that day telling me if it was positive or negative.  I was so nervous.  

I went to work that same day, but I can’t remember anything about that morning.  All I could think about was getting that call.

The call came around noon that day.  

Negative.

We were so disappointed, but surprisingly we weren’t devastated.  I found that we had a unexpected peace about the situation, and knew that was only from God.  We took time to process our news and we prayed about our next step.  We felt direction to pursue a second IUI the following month.  

February came, and we prepared for our second procedure.  We hadn’t lost hope, and were so sure that it would work this time.  

The procedure went extremely well, even better than the last time, and we left the clinic feeling so excited.  We felt that this one would definitely stick, and that the blood work would surely confirm that we had conceived our second child.  

The two week wait dragged on, though, and was even more draining than the first time.  I found myself struggling mentally and emotionally as I pleaded with God to please allow this to be successful.  I cried out to Him, telling Him all the reasons we needed this to work… we wanted Levi to have a sibling.  We wanted to raise another little one to know Him.  We wanted to bless our parents with another little grandchild.  I desperately wanted to experience pregnancy again, and to hopefully have a chance to breastfeed this time. 

There were so many reasons.  

Then came the call.  We found out that it was not successful.

This one hit us a bit harder, and we felt betrayed by God.  Why would He give us such a peace about pursuing IUI, if He wasn’t going to allow it to work?  Why would we put so much time, energy and money into this procedure, only to have it fail?  

We decided to step back from medical procedures for a month while we thought about it.  We took a break from everything fertility related, and took a much needed hiatus while we just breathed.  

We sought further direction about our next step from friends, family, our doctors, and from God, and felt led to try one more time.  Our doctor had told us that we could try up to four times, but we decided that emotionally, it was the better decision to stop at three.  

So in April, we went all in.  The whole nine yards.  

This was our last attempt at IUI, and we wanted to make sure that we did everything we could to help it be a positive result.  

I took some time off work, so I could focus on booking and attending the required appointments, without having to juggle my work schedule.  

We asked for prayer from family, friends and our church family.  There were so many people praying for us, and we spent so much time in prayer ourselves. 

I looked up every Bible verse I could think of about trusting, about waiting and about His plan for our lives.   

In mid-April, we went for our final procedure with eager hearts, anticipating that this would be the time it would work.  By this time, we knew what to expect, and were quite calm about the procedure.  Even giving myself an injection was easy (at least, compared to the first time I did it)! 

The procedure went amazingly well… the best yet.  

  

We tried to be as positive as we could during the wait.  We prayed boldly that a new little life would be growing inside me.  All of our family and friends surrounded us with their prayers and encouragement.  

And then, two weeks later, we found out that it did not work.  

We were not pregnant.  

We were heartbroken.  Why, God?  Why not this time?

We didn’t understand why it wasn't successful, and our doctors couldn’t give us any answers either.  It was a hard reality to accept, but we knew we were done pursuing treatments at that time.    

We still don’t completely understand what God is doing in our lives.  We had felt such direction and peace about pursuing these treatments, and I fully expected that 2017 would be the year we would be welcoming a second child into our family, or discovering the existence of a new little life inside me.  

Now 2017 is over, and that prayer was not answered.  It's already several days into 2018, and I am still having trouble processing that fact.  

Despite the disappointment that this year provided, I did mention that 2017 still allowed me opportunities for growth and change.  Since pregnancy did not seem to be an option, I was able to pursue activities that would have been more difficult had I been pregnant or nursing an infant.  I ran a 5 km race, I joined a lyrical and contemporary dance class, and I went to Las Vegas with Ryan and two of our friends.  I worked on several other things that have been on my bucket list for a while, and changed my focus from what I couldn’t seem to do (conceive a baby) to what I could do.  

We still don’t feel that our family is complete, and very much want a sibling for Levi.  

We are not sure what this might look like, but we will continue to pray for direction and clarity in this situation. 

Thank you for those of you who have supported us through this year.  We cherish your prayers and love!

Thank you for reading <3   

A Reflection on 30 Years

Tomorrow, I turn 30.  

As I think back on my last three decades (and especially my twenties), I can’t help but imagine how different my life would look if things had gone the way I had pictured… instead of how God clearly has intended my life to go.   

You see, I never pictured myself walking the path of infertility, or having a child with cleft palate.  I envisioned that when my husband and I decided to have children, that we would be able to do so without years of wondering and waiting, and that when we did, we wouldn’t have as many medical hurdles to jump over as we do now.  

I guess God had a different plan!  

The last several years have tested me in more ways than I ever could have imagined.  Experiencing both primary and secondary infertility, and watching my son go through as many surgeries as he has, have been some of the hardest things I have ever gone through.    

I have felt anger and sorrow.  Impatience and frustration.  Grief and sadness.  

At the same time, I have also felt the incredible joy of being a mother, excitement for what the future holds and a greater appreciation for the child I do have.

I have been inspired by the strength Levi has showed during his young life and the procedures he has gone though.  He has demonstrated an incredible attitude toward his many medical appointments and is so patient and easy-going during his hospital visits.  And I have been so grateful for the love and care of my husband, who has walked this same path with me.

  

I have seen that this season of my life has shaped me more than I would have expected.  It has shaped my thoughts, my response to circumstances and my personality.  

And I have learned so much.

I have learned about infertility and how many lives it affects.

I have learned about treatments, whether invasive, expensive, natural or medicinal.  About health, nutrition, and fitness and how they impact fertility. 

I have learned almost everything there is to learn about cleft lip and palate.  About the surgeries, the appointments and the impact on development.  And how it seems like kids who have gone through medical challenges are some of the strongest kids out there.  

About depression and anxiety. About how emotions can sometimes get the best of you when you least expect it, and how to be aware of this.

I have learned about deferred hope... it really does make the heart sick.  But I am slowly learning it's possible to have hope even when answers are unseen, and to have joy in the wait.

And I have learned how to be more sensitive to those around me.  It’s impossible to know someone’s journey in one glance.  

I have learned that despite the fact that some circumstances seem so bleak, that God can use those times to teach you something that you wouldn’t otherwise have learned.

I have discovered that God has used this journey to bring me into relationship with so many people who I otherwise would not have met.  I have walked with women during their own infertility journeys, and I have been a source of information to those who may not be as familiar with this path.  I have supported women in various ways through my experience of raising a child with cleft lip and palate.  And I have made close, life-long friends because of these experiences.

   

I have seen God work in miraculous ways in my life, and am reminded of His presence again and again.  I know He is there, and even though our prayer for a second child has not yet been answered, I am grateful for the things I have learned during this time of waiting.  

So, even though I would have not pictured this journey for my life, I have realized that God designed this road specifically for me.  To teach me, to change me and to develop me into the person he wants me to be.  

It’s been an interesting 30 years.  I look forward to what He has planned for the next 30!  

Four of the most important lessons that I didn't think I needed to learn

Infertility.  It's a season of waiting, frustration and fears.  It's also a season of patience, learning and growing stronger. 

Throughout this season of our lives, one filled with uncertainty and unanswered prayers, I have grown in ways I never thought possible, and learned more lessons than I expected to.  Everyone who travels this path has different experiences along the way.  By no means are my thoughts going to be the same as someone else who has gone through the trials of infertility, but some of you may relate to the things I have learned. 

These have definitely not been easy lessons.  They have not been smooth and I have not wanted to accept them.  

But they have been important.  They have been eye-opening, life changing lessons that have affected me greatly and changed me emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Here are four of the most important things that I have learned on our infertility journey.

When we experienced primary infertility while trying for our first child, I did not share my frustrations or experiences very willingly.  I thought that it was something that I needed to keep to myself.  I have since realized that it is important to share with those who can give support.  Now, as we experience secondary infertility as we try for our second child, my husband and I have both been more open with our experiences.  It is still not an easy process, but it takes a bit of the burden off.  I have also gotten great feedback from sharing a few details of our journey through this blog.  It is a place that I can reach out to those who might be going through similar things, and where my experiences might be used to encourage those people.

By all means, my husband and I still make sure that we are each other’s closest confidants, but we are open to sharing with friends and family who express an interest in providing support and prayer.  

Not only do I know that we have a great support network of friends and family, but as a Christian, I also know that I have the strength of Christ carrying me through this journey.  Without Him, and the amazing people He puts in our life, we wouldn’t have the endurance to continue on.

At some points in life, even though it may seem like we have strength and endurance to carry on, sometimes the best choice is to take a step back.

This might look different for everyone, but for me it came as a pretty eye-opening, life-changing transition.  

This summer, after several years of trials (with infertility being only one factor amongst others), I reached a low point in our journey.  I was rarely happy, often irritable and overwhelmingly discouraged.  I didn’t recognize the seriousness of it at the time, but looking back, I should have sought help sooner.  

It took a medical professional to help me recognize that I had reached a breaking point.  

I had approached my doctor with some concerns I had regarding my memory and ability to concentrate.  I had noticed for several months that I just didn’t have the same ability to focus like I normally did, and it had started to negatively affect my ability to do my job.  I knew it was something I was concerned about, but not once did I assume that the cause had anything to do with our infertility journey.  The first question she asked when I brought these concerns to her, was how my mood had been.  When she told me that low mood and decreased concentration often go hand in hand, it all began to make sense.  I hadn’t realized that they could be so closely connected, but it did fit with what I had been experiencing.  I started to make some changes in my life that would allow me to regain a more positive outlook on life.  I took a long break from Facebook, knowing that the constant source of social media (and with it newborn photos, pregnancy announcements and cute baby bumps) did not help my situation.  I started to be more diligent with eating and exercising well, and started to recognize other triggers of low mood in my life.  

Ultimately, these changes were helpful but not enough to reverse the downward cycle of depression and anxiety that I had started on.  I continued to struggle at work, and in June 2016, my doctor put me on a medical leave from work for 9 weeks.  

This was a huge step, and a situation I never thought I would be in.  I am someone who likes to deal with her problems privately and quietly, and this seemed like a drastic change.  It was a step that I was uncertain with at first, but it turned out to be exactly what I needed.  

During this medical leave, I continued to work on the changes I had started in spring, but I took even more steps on my path to healing.  One of the biggest things I did was to enrol myself in an online course that centred around Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  My doctor gave me the information for this course, which is developed through the University of Regina.  It is a great resource for those who have symptoms of depression and anxiety.  To sum up the course in a few words, it helped me to change my thought patterns, to view my situation in a different light and to recognize unhelpful attitudes and thoughts surrounding my circumstances.  

(If you have questions about this course, please don't hesitate to message me, or talk to your doctor about it.)

I also started seeing a counsellor regularly, who gave me even more information on how to process the challenges we were facing.  

Throughout the summer, I made sure to spend time figuring out what my priorities were in life.  The shadow of an inability to conceive had darkened my thoughts, and I had forgotten about the most important things in my life.  I reconnected with my husband, found renewed joy in raising the child I do have, and enjoyed time with family and friends.  

Ryan and I also decided to take a break from pursuing fertility treatments during this time, which gave us both a much needed break from the stresses of appointments, medications and blood work.  

We made a point of enjoying our summer to the fullest, and were intentional about spending quality time as a family of three. 

During the summer, it was also discovered that I had been prescribed an incorrect dosage of my thyroid medication (a medication I have taken for several years, but the dosage had been adjusted more recently).  It turned out that this incorrect dosage had been contributing to my memory and concentration difficulties.  Upon correction of this dosage, and having had a chance to learn how to handle stress more effectively, I regained my ability to concentrate. 

Overall, my medical leave gave me the chance to reevaluate our situation, to gain a fresh perspective on our infertility journey and to give me some new energy to face the long road ahead.  

This step back was exactly what I needed to take the next step forward.

     

After a summer of learning about the physiological response to stress, I realized that to have any sanity in the midst of uncertainty, I would need to find a source of calm.

Yoga, rock climbing, coloring, and journalling.  These are the de-stressors that have become an essential part of my life. 

I have always found yoga to be a great way to relax and unwind at the end of the day.  It’s become a habit that I’ve kept up for several years.  

More recently, I have discovered that rock climbing is a great way to de-stress.  When I’m on the wall, I am not thinking about anything but staying on the wall and finishing the problem.  It’s an amazing way to get my mind off life and our infertility journey.  

Coloring is the relaxing, calming activity that allows my creative side to emerge and gives my mind a break from reality.  There are no rules with colouring, and it's a great outlet after a stressful day.  

Journalling allows me to process whatever thought or emotion I am dealing with, in a constructive way.  It’s a place to vent, to write down fears, hopes and insecurities.  It also allows the chance to look back and see how far I’ve come, and that there are always answers to prayer, no matter how small they are.

If I can give you any advice, whether you are dealing with infertility or any of the other stressful things life brings… find a source of calm and pursue it consistently.  

Years ago, when we experienced our first session of infertility we began to see a fertility specialist who took us through a series of tests and treatments.  Her suggestions didn't end up working, and we took a step back from her treatments.  To our surprise and by the grace of God, we were able to conceive Levi naturally.  

During this second session of infertility, we started seeing the same specialist.  She was ok to deal with, but her suggestions and advice were the same as before, and we felt like she was no longer providing us with the care we needed.  We received a different referral from my family doctor and started seeing a new specialist this winter.  Already, with the first appointment, we have felt heard, and well cared for, and we appreciated the fresh set of eyes on our situation. She gave us some new information and statistics that we had not heard before, and made some suggestions that our other specialist had not presented us with.  

She told us that after two years of trying to conceive, the chances of conception per month drops from 20% to 2%.  Since Ryan and I have been trying to a conceive for more than two years, we are part of that statistic of 2%.  This was a statistic that we had not heard before, and was very eye-opening.

We have always known that we are dealing with unexplained infertility.  All of our tests have always come back normal and nothing is blatantly wrong.  Since Levi was conceived without any intervention, we thought that we had the same chances of conceiving our second child as any other couple.  Apparently this is not the case, and we now have a very low chance of conceiving naturally.  With this new information, we realized we would need to pursue greater medical intervention. 

So, with our new treatment team in place, a recommendation from our specialist, and with much consideration and prayer, we have decided to pursue IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) this month!

It's an understatement to say that we are very excited to take this step!  

We are excited that it will increase our chances of conception, and are very hopeful that it will be successful.  
At the same time, we can't help but be a little nervous, as it has a much greater financial and emotional commitment than any other treatments we have pursued up to this point.   
It's a big step, and one we hope will allow us to grow our family and give Levi a chance to be the wonderful big brother we know he will be.

While we don’t know if this will be successful, we are thankful for the prayers and support that we know we have from friends and family.  We appreciate it more than you know!!

Misunderstanding Infertility. It happens more than you think.

Infertility.  

It’s draining, tiring, expensive and all consuming.  It’s a lonely, scary, confusing journey that threatens to take over all the sunshine in a person’s world.  In short, it sucks.  

It is more common than you think, but thoroughly misunderstood and a topic that isn’t often discussed.     

Did you know that in Canada approximately one in six couples struggle with infertility?  

With those statistics, chances are either you or someone you know has been affected by infertility.  Despite how common it is, there is a lack of education and information about this topic, and I wish that wasn’t the case!

My husband and I are currently dealing with secondary infertility and have also dealt with primary infertility in the past.  It’s touched our life in so many ways, and I’ve found that most people are uneducated about infertility, and many misunderstand the journey that we are going through.  I wanted to share a few tips about what I’ve learned through this experience in hopes that the friends and family members of those who are struggling with infertility can maybe see their experience in a different light.    

Maybe you’ve dealt with infertility yourself and you can relate to these experiences.  

Maybe you have had other circumstances that have prevented you from growing your family in the way you would have preferred, and you’d like those who surround you to understand a bit about what you’re going through.  

Or maybe you’re wondering how to support someone who is walking this journey.  

Whatever the case, I hope you find something here that you can take to heart.  

Tip #1 - Don’t make assumptions 

There are so many different kinds of infertility.  Don’t assume that you know which type we are dealing with.  Just because your friend / family member / random person in the hair salon told you what they went through, chances are this is different.  Some types of infertility have a reason.  Others are unexplained.  There are so many differences in each experience, so if you have a better idea of what exactly they’re going through, it will make it so much easier to interact with them.  I can guarantee they will appreciate if you have a bit of actual knowledge, and not just assumptions. 

Tip #2 - If you don’t know, ask!  

If you know someone who is struggling with infertility, but aren’t sure of what exactly they’re going through, they most likely won’t mind sharing about their journey.  If you’re aware of their situation and would like to know more about what they’re dealing with, just ask.  Obviously, choose the right time and place!  The middle of your crowded office space probably isn’t the best choice!  If you do show genuine interest in their situation, they will most likely appreciate that someone cares about what they’re going through.  

Keep in mind that some days are worse than others, and it’s important to be sensitive to our response.  If we seem rigid or closed, it might not be the best day.  If we look on the verge of tears already, it might not be the best time to bring it up…  just saying.  So, unless you have a willing shoulder to cry on, and a big box of tissues, bring our husbands over and let them deal with us.  

99% of the time though, we won’t cry on you, and it’s actually refreshing to talk through it.    

Tip #3 - It’s not you, it’s me

Speaking of crying…  keep in mind that some days we can’t see the sunshine or the happiness.    Infertility has many faces, but I think the most common ones are exhaustion and frustration.  This sometimes comes out in our response to you, and we don’t mean it (we promise!).  We’re trying everything we can just to keep our heads above water, and we may not be dealing with it very well that day.  Infertility takes a toll, both emotionally and physically.  We’re working SO HARD, and most often there is nothing to show for all our efforts.  

Another round of drugs that were useless.  Another treatment that didn’t work.  Overwhelming amounts of information about adoption, invasive procedures, hormones, medications and the costs associated with all of these.  More blood work… tests… doctor’s appointments… new ideas with no substance.    

It’s draining and sometimes causes us to be a little impatient with life. 

We hope you understand where we’re coming from.     

Tip #4 - What worked for someone else, may not work for us

If you know a couple who has gone through a similar situation and has tried different treatments, be sensitive with how you share their experiences.  Often what worked for them may not work for every couple.  It’s easy to generalize everyone’s experiences ( example: they had this procedure done, went on a trip, stopped trying.. etc.) but it won’t be the same for every couple.  Often those who are dealing with infertility have tried everything and more.  We’ve researched and educated ourselves to the brim and have information overload.  We don’t really need more advice on what someone you know has tried.

However, just to confuse you, that’s not to say we don’t appreciate learning new things!  

It’s true that there are some things we might not have been aware of yet.  If you know of something that you would like to share, please do so in a respectful manner.  Please don’t say “you should try…”, because, well… that’s just kinda bossy!   Instead say, “have you heard of this?” or “what are your thoughts on this?”.  We’re much more likely to consider and discuss it if you present it in this manner!

Tip #5 - Be aware of your audience 

If you are pregnant, or have a newborn (or any children in fact), please be sensitive to how you discuss these topics around those of us dealing with infertility.  Often, the struggles in your life right now (pregnancy symptoms, sleepless nights, issues with breastfeeding) are things that we would give anything to be experiencing right then.  Please take note of who you’re venting to.  I don’t mean to tell you that you can’t voice your frustrations.  I have a toddler who sometimes tests my patience, so I know that sometimes you just need to say “What the heck?!”.  Just keep in mind that sometimes your complaints about parenting / pregnancy / children will fall on unwilling ears if you’re talking to someone struggling to expand their family.

Tip #6 - Your baby belly is super cute, but we’re a little envious of it right now

Please note that it might be difficult for us to attend events where there are pregnancies or newborns.  Baby bellies and newborns are sometimes painful reminders of the elusive things that we want so much to have.  If we’re going through a particularly hard time, we may not feel comfortable going to these events, but that’s not always the case.  It’s nice to have the option to choose, so please do invite us.  

We might just request that you hide your belly underneath a large muumuu.

Nah.  Just joking.  

A winter jacket will work just fine.  

Also, please don’t be disappointed if we aren’t as enthusiastic with your pregnancy / baby announcement as you’d hoped we would be.  Don't get me wrong.  We are still happy for you, however, we’re still learning to balance both our happiness for your good news and sadness for our lack of it.  Facebook is a hard place for us to be sometimes.  Bellies and babies abound!  We understand it’s your right to post what you want, just be aware that we might unfollow your feed for a while.  Or maybe that’s just me.  :)  

Tip #7 - Think about your approach

When you are talking with someone you don't know very well, instead of asking “How many kids do you have?”, or “When do you plan to start a family?” simply say, “Tell me a bit about yourself”.  Anyone who hasn’t been able to grow their family as they hoped will appreciate this.  Also, if you are curious if someone is planning to have more children, please do not ask, “When are you going to have more kids?”.  This is such a blunt question, and we often don’t have an answer.  We’d like to know just as much as you when we’re going to have more kids!  Instead phrase it more like, “Would you like to expand your family?”.  It’s a much gentler question, and leaves room for us to explain what we’re going through if we feel that it’s appropriate.   

I hope that you might have learned a little bit about this crazy thing called infertility, or maybe just gained a fresh perspective.  

Maybe you didn’t learn anything at all and you totally disagree with everything I wrote!  

Whatever the case, I hope you enjoyed this post and took at least something out of it.  I also hope that it might have made you think a little bit, and look around you.  

Maybe you’ll take note of that co-worker of yours who has been a bit quieter lately, maybe even a bit sad.  

Or that friend whose mouth gets a bit drawn when you show her pictures of your newborn.  

Or that lady in church / at a get together / at a house party who keeps her head down and walks out of the room when you come in with your cute pregnant belly.  

Maybe you know them well enough to know what they’re going through.  Often you won’t.  

But like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, it’s more common than most people think, and I can almost guarantee that it’s affecting someone’s life that you interact with on a daily basis.  So keep these things in mind, and I know those who are walking this journey will be forever grateful.        

Thanks for reading. Please feel free to comment or message me with your own thoughts on this topic.  I always love to gain a new perspective on what others have learned!

Unanswered Prayers and an Unexpected Discovery

There are several ways to respond to unanswered prayers.  In my own experience, this has most commonly been bitterness, anger, and confusion.  Unfortunately, all of those responses are negative and destructive.   I’m slowly learning that it doesn’t have to be that way, and most recently, I’ve come to realize that acceptance is a more appropriate response to unanswered prayer.  Although this choice of acceptance in the midst of waiting has not come easily, it's been a refreshingly unexpected discovery.  I wanted to write a bit about what we've been going through lately, not only because it’s been on my heart for a long time, but maybe because it’s a story that someone else can relate to.

We’ve been waiting and praying for baby #2 for a long time, and I’ve gone through a wide range of emotions during this journey.  There was a point a short time ago that I was bitter whenever someone posted a birth announcement, newborn photos or pregnancy pictures.  It was a destructive mindset to have, and I realize now that there was no benefit to feel this way.  It came to a point where I was struggling to feel happy, and I suddenly realized something needed to change.  I spoke with someone who was able to help redirect my thoughts and look at the situation in a different light.  It was such a beneficial conversation, and I’ve been able to change my mindset about what we have been dealing with.

Since that time, I have found myself stepping back from my own struggles and asking God what He’s trying to teach me.  I realized that He has a plan, and I can either fight Him, or make the most of the situation He’s placed me in.  I’ve recalled several times over the past few months how, after two years of waiting, it became so obvious that God knew what he was doing when He blessed us with Levi.  He had perfect timing, and looking back, it’s so amazing to see how He had His hand in that situation.  Hindsight is 20/20 though, and it’s often clear why things turn out the way they did when you’re looking back.  Sometimes it seems like the waiting would be less painful if we would have an idea of how things would turn out, but God has a reason for why we can’t see what will happen.  

It wouldn’t require any trust.  

So, I am choosing to trust that God has this situation in His hand.  Instead of passively waiting, I have chosen to be proactive and productive and hopefully learn something along the way.  I have found that this slight shift in my mindset has made a world of difference.  I no longer feel bitterness at other’s announcements, and although it is still hard, I realize that I can be both happy for someone’s news, and sad for our lack of it.  This realization was not an easy one to understand at first, however, I recently read a book that helped make it more clear.  It is called “Hannah’s Hope”, and It is written by a woman who has gone through years of infertility.  It details her emotions and experiences during this time, and includes references to applicable verses, as well as stories of couples who have dealt with infertility, loss and adoption struggles.  While reading this book, I learned to look at our situation with a new perspective, and realize that I have control over how I react. 

In case you’re maybe unsure of what exactly it is we’re going through, I’ll give you a bit of background on our situation.

What we are going through is called “secondary infertility”.  It is a fairly unknown term, as it is not something that is talked about very much.  The people who belong in this group have one living biological child, but have not been able to conceive a second.  Often, couples in this group are asked why they are not happy with the one child they do have.  It’s not that we don’t feel beyond blessed to have one child.  We realize that some couples are unable conceive at all, it’s just that we’re torn between being happy with one child, and wanting to grow our families and provide our child with a sibling. 

I have also been placed in the category of “unexplained infertility”.  We have been working with a fertility specialist frequently over the past several years, who has given us a ton of information and has helped us immensely through this season of waiting.  Although I’ve had many ultrasounds, a substantial amount of blood work, several tests and endless appointments, my infertility remains fairly unexplained.  They have determined that I have subclinical PCOS (a very mild form), and well controlled hypothyroidism, but otherwise every other test has come back fine.  As much as it is encouraging to know that there’s nothing seriously wrong with me or Ryan, it’s frustrating to know that there is not a concrete diagnosis.  

With this knowledge, the biggest changes my doctor has recommended is to continue with regular exercise and maintaining a healthy diet.  Several years ago, my cycles were extremely irregular.  Through regular exercise and a healthy diet, I have managed to regulate my cycles.  Within the past few months, I have done a bit more research to see what else I am able to change.  With a suggestion from a coworker, I decided to try acupuncture.  The research behind acupuncture and fertility is strong, and I thought I might as well give it a shot.  Through my acupuncturist, I have also learned of an effective diet change to increase fertility.  This involves including foods that are high in fibre and have a low glycemic index.  This diet is designed to help regulate the impact of insulin on the body, and therefore have a positive effect on my cycles.  Through this meal plan, we have started to include more legumes, whole grains, whole foods and fibre into our diets, and I have already noticed a positive change.  It’s amazing how such a simple thing can make such a big difference, and I've enjoyed learning about this new way of eating!  

Along with the meal plan, I have also continued to maintain a fairly regular exercise program.  I try to incorporate a half hour routine into each day and have found a fitness yoga routine that not only comes with physical, but emotional benefits as well.  

Between meal planning, regular exercise, seed cycling (which is designed to help regulate certain hormones throughout the cycle.  More on that here) and educating myself on these things, I’ve found that I can have a different mindset and attitude about our situation.  

I can’t say that I don’t have bad days.  Overall, however, my attitude has been more positive than negative.  It’s been a lot of work to get there, but God has been faithful.  I know He’s got His hand in this, and we’ll continue to pray.  We don’t know what He has planned for us, and maybe it won’t be the answer we’re looking for, but I will do my best to be as proactive and productive as I can while we wait!

Unanswered prayers.

Sometimes the answer will be yes… sometimes the answer is no, but I’m finding out that there’s always a lesson to be learned while you wait.  This was an unexpected and surprising, yet refreshing discovery.  Although we are still praying fervently for a second child, we are thankful that we have been able to learn and grow together in the meantime.   

Questions....

People have been asking a few questions lately about how Levi is doing.  I thought I'd give a little update.

Overall, he is doing great!  He is turning two in October and loves to run, jump, play at the park, meet new people, crash trucks together and create games and activities with his incredible imagination.  He is a smart, fun-loving, busy kid and has developed quite the personality.  He has such an easy-going nature, which has helped with the plethora of appointments, check ups and tests that he has had to go through in the past while.  He has many specialists and doctors that all stem from his initial cleft palate and lip and he will continue to be seen by these wonderful people as he continues to develop.  

The main thing that he is currently being seen for is his hearing.  His last two tests showed that his level of hearing was slightly less than what it should be.  They are not sure why this is the case, as his tubes are open.  It may be something to do with his inner ear though, and they will continue to investigate if it needs to be treated.  

We are also still working on speech development with him.  He is behind his age group, however has been making small gains over the past while.  The decreased hearing isn’t helping matters, but he definitely can hear more than what he could before his second set of tubes.  We have noticed him respond more quickly to us, and he has developed new sounds that he had never tried before, which is encouraging!  He also has a list of words that he uses on a frequent basis, including: ‘hi, up, uh-oh, mama, more, dad, outside, cheese, see ya, please, yeah’ and quite a few others.  They may not be pronounced quite properly yet, but this is definitely an improvement over a few months ago!  We look forward to working more with his speech pathologist to continue to see development over the next several months.  

Stemming from Levi’s upcoming birthday is another question that I have begun to hear more frequently.  

“When is baby number 2 coming?”.  

It’s been popping up here and there for a while, but as Levi’s second birthday is approaching quickly in October, it seems to be the query of choice.  

Other moms at the park, acquaintances, strangers we don’t know, people throughout our day to day life, even medical professionals who see Levi or I…  “Isn’t it time for a second?” is the question that I’ve been hearing quite regularly.  

No one means any harm by these questions.  It is natural to be curious.  However, it sometimes doesn't cross people’s minds that it might be a sensitive topic.  Maybe it’s not as simple as “when will you have another?”, because maybe we’ve been wondering that ourselves.  Maybe the timeline isn’t working out to what society has deemed ideal, and maybe it’s been something that we’ve been praying and wishing for.  

It seems that our timeline and God’s timeline may be slightly different, as it often is.  We’re in a stage of waiting on Him and we’re praying for patience and trusting that He’s got it all figured out.  And He does.  He always does.  

After all, we’ve been here before.  

When we were made to wait for our precious little Levi, the timing couldn’t have worked out more perfectly.  It was made loud and clear that He’s got it all figured out.  We know that He’s got our best interests at heart, and we trust that He’s got a plan; we’re just not sure what it all involves.  It’s just a bit tough to wait sometimes, you know?  

I know that we’re not nearly at the stage that some couples are made to wait for.  I realize that we have already been blessed with a beautiful child, and some couples are still waiting for their precious bundle.  Maybe I don’t have a right to be impatient yet.  But each couple has different trials at different stages and a lot of them are invisible to the outside world.  A lot of their struggles, disappointments and challenges go unannounced, but they exist and they are very real.  Sometimes you may find those people are comfortable and willing to share their journey, and sometimes they're not at that point yet.  Whatever the case, my message is just to be sensitive to the questions that you are asking.  You never know what someone else is going through.